I don’t know whether something is in retrograde or the microwave or whatever, but I’ve been in an awfully strange place over the last few months. And maybe that’s why I haven’t been so drawn to write. But here we are!

 

I’ve been in what I can only describe as a place of deep introspection; dissecting and evaluating every intricate detail of myself, from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep. It’s exhausting. 

 

As I write this, I’m wondering if this all began from when I had my initial assessment for autism, (specifically ADHD). For about a year, I’ve began to feel marginally different from the people I interact with. I observe their behaviours (particularly, social) and compare to mine and it’s like chalk and cheese. 

 

I’ll admit, I had an ignorance to neurodivergence, and just reduced it to ‘we’re all different, move on!’ but it wasn’t until I took a course at work that I started to look back at my life and experiences so far and rewrite my own perspective.

 

In school I was always achieving good results (some better than others depending on my enjoyment of the subject), but I had always been over hyperactive. I couldn’t concentrate on one thing for too long, unless it was English. School was always a struggle because I had to sit for hours during the day, trying to learn in a very old archaic way. My behaviour was often overlooked or not noticed because in UK schools, behaviour is only looked at when a child isn’t performing well academically. The education format in the UK hasn’t evolved since its inception and this is why so many young people who may be neurodivergent or have a learning disability, get overlooked and their education is discarded, all because they can’t learn the same way others can. 

 

I’ve always felt a little different from those around me and found myself questioning why I wasn’t like the others in certain situations, but it never reared its head properly until I moved into a career in HR. The first three years of my career, I started to realise that I was just a lot quieter than others and didn’t really stand out amongst everyone else. I could put on an act if I wanted to, but it never lasted very long. I just assumed it was because I’m painfully shy, which I still am. But it wasn’t until I moved to my next company where I developed very quickly and realised that there were certain behaviours and attributes that I thought were remnants from a past trauma but are possibly my ADHD symptoms becoming more pronounced. Being continuously developed was pushing me out of my comfort zone and it left a lot of opportunity to expose the parts of myself that were in the shadows. 

 

The conversation around neurodiversity has always been something that wasn’t widely spoken about in my family. Perhaps it’s more of a cultural thing, being from a Caribbean household, where you don’t talk about mental health, or anything that might put you in the ‘other’ category. Maybe it’s the generation my parents were brought up in. Either way, it wasn’t spoken about much, if at all.

 

So I have my initial ADHD assessment, which is about 45 minutes talking through your symptoms and experiences and then now it’s a waiting game for the big assessment. 

 

I received a huge questionnaire last week which required myself and my parents to take a very long trip down memory lane. I was given a heads up by my initial assessor that the questionnaire was going to be big but oh man. I didn’t expect the sheer volume and detail needed in the form. I looked through all 60 questions and immediately felt overwhelmed. How do I know if I pulled my hair? Would my parents even remember? How are these questions remotely relevant? The questions were rampant and I had no idea where to begin. 

 

Me and parents decided to sit down and go through it together on a rainy Sunday afternoon. I just remember it getting dark so quickly, and it’s exactly how I felt in my mind. We worked through every question, taking intermittent leg and eye breaks, and finally got to the end. There were very random questions like, “Did they sit at the table when eating dinner?”, “Did they play with their hair or pull their hair out?”, so if anyone is going through a similar assessment, you need your parents or carers’ help!

 

So is it ADHD or a spectrum of autism? Is it just a pure lack of confidence? Is it trauma? Is it all of it?

 

Who knows, but I’m sure the answer will come soon. I’ll be posting here regularly on any updates of my autism/ADHD journey so if you’re interested in understanding the long process behind this and my tumultuous thought process alongside it, stick around.

 

T x